A Very Emo Christmas
Well, it's not Christmas anymore, but this update is around Christmas time, so there. First off, let me begin with saying that for my story, after some research, I found out that the character Tisiphone is actually pronounced Tee-Sea-Phone-Knee, with the accent on then second sylable. I've been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Now on to the emo stuff. It pretty much has to do with me not able to stop thinking about death. I've tried to not think about it, but for the past few months/year or so, the thought of death keeps plaguing my mind. As a science person, I lean more towards the idea that death is the end. You decompose and that's the end of that. No afterlife, no existance of any sort. I want to believe there's some sort of afterlife, but without any proof to the contrary, I can only believe what I see in front of me, which is my body rotting away after I die. For that reason, I envy religious people. This is especially problematic for me because using that as a basis, I really can't see any meaning to life. I like existing. I like breathing. If you take a Dionysian approach to life, and say the purpose of life is enjoyment, then it's like giving a kid some candy which results in the kid wanting more, but then forbidding the kid to ever have candy ever again till the end of eternity. That's rather cruel.
If you take the approach of living a life of accomplishment, it is equally useless. If when you die, it's the end of you, what would you care if anything you did mattered? Also, in a thousand years from now, millions of years from now, when humans become extinct, who gives a damn what you did? I'm sure even a person as famous as Hitler would be forgotten.
Even with the most appealing of life seems meaningless to me. Not to mention that to live a Dionysian lifestyle requires lots of money, and to live a life of accomplishment needs talent. Neither of which I have an abundance of. What I see for my life is not what I want out of life. Spending a good portion of my life slaving away for money so that I can actually live. Just worrying about money will take out a good 75% of the rest of my life. Such a life really just doesn't appear worth living.
Even when you take a different approach, and say that relationship with the people around you are what makes life meaningful, it doesn't remedy the fact that when you or they die, that relationship is no more. In life, we try to hold on to what is important to us. But whatever we hold dear, whether it is physical objects or living beings, we cannot take them with us as we leave the world of the living. It is painful to live trying to hold on to the living beings around you, only to know that they will one day die. It is as if I am hanging on a rope in a room with no escape, where if I let go, I'd be fried by the boiling oil underneith. Holding on only to delay the inevitableness of no longer having anymore strenght.
As a result, I currently don't see any meaning to life at all. I currently think it is more merciful to have not been born. Reading this you might think that perhaps suicide would be preferable. But that's the thing though, on the one hand I find it irresponsible for people to commit suicide as an easy way out. Causing unnecessary grief for the people you leave behind is cowardice. On the other hand, I fear death, so that's really not an option for me. I know that sounds completely contradictory, but that's how I feel. Feelings don't have to be logical. Life is meaningless. But I like it. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either.
Now on to the emo stuff. It pretty much has to do with me not able to stop thinking about death. I've tried to not think about it, but for the past few months/year or so, the thought of death keeps plaguing my mind. As a science person, I lean more towards the idea that death is the end. You decompose and that's the end of that. No afterlife, no existance of any sort. I want to believe there's some sort of afterlife, but without any proof to the contrary, I can only believe what I see in front of me, which is my body rotting away after I die. For that reason, I envy religious people. This is especially problematic for me because using that as a basis, I really can't see any meaning to life. I like existing. I like breathing. If you take a Dionysian approach to life, and say the purpose of life is enjoyment, then it's like giving a kid some candy which results in the kid wanting more, but then forbidding the kid to ever have candy ever again till the end of eternity. That's rather cruel.
If you take the approach of living a life of accomplishment, it is equally useless. If when you die, it's the end of you, what would you care if anything you did mattered? Also, in a thousand years from now, millions of years from now, when humans become extinct, who gives a damn what you did? I'm sure even a person as famous as Hitler would be forgotten.
Even with the most appealing of life seems meaningless to me. Not to mention that to live a Dionysian lifestyle requires lots of money, and to live a life of accomplishment needs talent. Neither of which I have an abundance of. What I see for my life is not what I want out of life. Spending a good portion of my life slaving away for money so that I can actually live. Just worrying about money will take out a good 75% of the rest of my life. Such a life really just doesn't appear worth living.
Even when you take a different approach, and say that relationship with the people around you are what makes life meaningful, it doesn't remedy the fact that when you or they die, that relationship is no more. In life, we try to hold on to what is important to us. But whatever we hold dear, whether it is physical objects or living beings, we cannot take them with us as we leave the world of the living. It is painful to live trying to hold on to the living beings around you, only to know that they will one day die. It is as if I am hanging on a rope in a room with no escape, where if I let go, I'd be fried by the boiling oil underneith. Holding on only to delay the inevitableness of no longer having anymore strenght.
As a result, I currently don't see any meaning to life at all. I currently think it is more merciful to have not been born. Reading this you might think that perhaps suicide would be preferable. But that's the thing though, on the one hand I find it irresponsible for people to commit suicide as an easy way out. Causing unnecessary grief for the people you leave behind is cowardice. On the other hand, I fear death, so that's really not an option for me. I know that sounds completely contradictory, but that's how I feel. Feelings don't have to be logical. Life is meaningless. But I like it. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either.
posted by Psychopathic Puffin at 7:29 PM
1 Comments:
Wow, Jack. You got my thoughts dead-on with this post right here. Right down to the smallest detail.
Post a Comment
<< Home