A Very Emo Christmas

Well, it's not Christmas anymore, but this update is around Christmas time, so there. First off, let me begin with saying that for my story, after some research, I found out that the character Tisiphone is actually pronounced Tee-Sea-Phone-Knee, with the accent on then second sylable. I've been pronouncing it wrong all this time.

Now on to the emo stuff. It pretty much has to do with me not able to stop thinking about death. I've tried to not think about it, but for the past few months/year or so, the thought of death keeps plaguing my mind. As a science person, I lean more towards the idea that death is the end. You decompose and that's the end of that. No afterlife, no existance of any sort. I want to believe there's some sort of afterlife, but without any proof to the contrary, I can only believe what I see in front of me, which is my body rotting away after I die. For that reason, I envy religious people. This is especially problematic for me because using that as a basis, I really can't see any meaning to life. I like existing. I like breathing. If you take a Dionysian approach to life, and say the purpose of life is enjoyment, then it's like giving a kid some candy which results in the kid wanting more, but then forbidding the kid to ever have candy ever again till the end of eternity. That's rather cruel.

If you take the approach of living a life of accomplishment, it is equally useless. If when you die, it's the end of you, what would you care if anything you did mattered? Also, in a thousand years from now, millions of years from now, when humans become extinct, who gives a damn what you did? I'm sure even a person as famous as Hitler would be forgotten.

Even with the most appealing of life seems meaningless to me. Not to mention that to live a Dionysian lifestyle requires lots of money, and to live a life of accomplishment needs talent. Neither of which I have an abundance of. What I see for my life is not what I want out of life. Spending a good portion of my life slaving away for money so that I can actually live. Just worrying about money will take out a good 75% of the rest of my life. Such a life really just doesn't appear worth living.

Even when you take a different approach, and say that relationship with the people around you are what makes life meaningful, it doesn't remedy the fact that when you or they die, that relationship is no more. In life, we try to hold on to what is important to us. But whatever we hold dear, whether it is physical objects or living beings, we cannot take them with us as we leave the world of the living. It is painful to live trying to hold on to the living beings around you, only to know that they will one day die. It is as if I am hanging on a rope in a room with no escape, where if I let go, I'd be fried by the boiling oil underneith. Holding on only to delay the inevitableness of no longer having anymore strenght.

As a result, I currently don't see any meaning to life at all. I currently think it is more merciful to have not been born. Reading this you might think that perhaps suicide would be preferable. But that's the thing though, on the one hand I find it irresponsible for people to commit suicide as an easy way out. Causing unnecessary grief for the people you leave behind is cowardice. On the other hand, I fear death, so that's really not an option for me. I know that sounds completely contradictory, but that's how I feel. Feelings don't have to be logical. Life is meaningless. But I like it. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either.

Dare to Dream

Lucid dream that is. I just had one as I was taking a nap. Those things are darn rare, so I thought I should record this. I realized that I was lucid dreaming when I was stuck in an underground labyrinth trying to find a power suit/ ultimate armour. The labyrinth looked like an apartment hallway, but with random mirrors at corners and dead ends. Never did find that power suit though. Anywho, the mirrors would have a reflection of some random person's bedroom, while no such objects were behind me. It wouldn't even show my own reflection. The reflection would change each time I look away, and then back at the mirror. You know, they say that as long as you know you're dreaming, you can control everything in your dream. Have you any idea how difficult that is? I tried very VERY hard to walk into the mirror, but with no success. Binded by my concept of reality, it wasn't as if everything I willed will occur. I guess the notion of the more knowledge you have, the more limited your imagination will be is true. At some point I saw a guy that looked like The Key Maker from The Matrix Reloaded, and decided to chase after him. He was very very difficult to follow, and eventually I end up losing him anyway. Without my notice, the surrounding changed to more of a mall/ department store hallway, but without any stores. I saw another similar looking man, and decided to chase after him. He got away as well, but not before allowing me to find an exit to the labyrinth. The exit lead me to Niagara Falls, where a random lady (who I will now call person A) asked me to tell her what a letter to her means. It was written in Chinese, and it was from her friend. The content more or less was that she found herself a new best friend, and that's why she wasn't spending as much time with person A. She has no idea why person A seem to be angry with her, because it's not like she was breaking up with person A (no, they aren't lesbians). She just want to clear up any misunderstandings.
At this point it was becoming more and more difficult to will myself to be in the dream state. I knew I didn't have much time before I woke up, so I quickly told her the content, and made off. I always enjoyed flying dreams, but for some reason I have a huge fear of hight (I'm not even sure when I developed it, but I also have a fear of flight). So I quickly made it to the falls, jumped over the fence, and started falling. It was summer time, and the weather was hot and sunny. The setting was weird, because below the cliff was a forest. As I was falling, I quickly willed myself to start gliding, so I did. My sister then came out of nowhere and jumped over the fence as well. But unlike me, she continued falling, and ended up crashing onto the ground. And then my sister again came out of nowhere and jumped over the fence again. This time she successfully glided away. I was lucid dreaming, but it was still incredibly difficult to increase my altitude. I tried flapping my arms, willing as hard as I can to fly up over the mountain in front of me (that also came out of nowhere. Last time I checked, Niagara Falls don't have any foresty hills). With all my efforts, I was only able to gain altitude very slowly. As I flew closer and closer to the top of the mountain/hill, it became increasingly difficult to keep myself asleep. I regained consciousness right before I made it over the hill.